Sometimes I have to deal with disappointment.....

Had a very pleasant dinner with my brothers and extended family....after taking my mother home, they went on to another venue to relax and visit.  I wish I could have gone but I am Sky's mother and legal guardian and there is just some things that I have to let go...one is late night socializing.  Always for a fleeting moment, I am disappointed because at my age it would be nice to finally be free of such a responsibility--- but I took it on and even knowing this limit I would happily do it again.

This is the one thing that is hard about being a parent and legal guardian of an adult with disabilities.....there are limits to what you are free to do.   I can make arrangements for Sky to do things like a pottery class but if I want to do something like this, it has to be during her time away... I have tried to find someone to stay with her on a regular basis but so far that has not worked out. Usually I can get someone to stay with her (or for her to stay with them) once in while--like for a funeral or a doctors appt. or training I have to take for work..but so far no one wants to make a commitment for more than a day once in a while.  So most everything I do includes Sky or I can't do it.

Case in point---i would like to go on a three day retreat at a beautiful place called Rivendell....it is not possible.  My mother can handle spending time with Sky for an hour or two but not three days.  My other adult children have jobs and unlike mine their jobs begin before Sky goes to work and end after Sky gets off...plus the fact they are not free most weekends to be with her.  This retreat is of a spiritual nature and I would really benefit from attending but....it is not to be.  I suppose I could take Sky with me but most of my time would be spent caring for her needs so very little time would be spent in quiet contemplation....so I would be better off at home.

When my children were born, I made a promise to all of them, that I would be a full time parent until such time they were grown and could take care of themselves....Sky is grown, very independent, but still needs someone (a caring adult) around all the time and it will be for the rest of her life.  This is part of my vocation.  God gave me the gift of Sky knowing full well I would do whatever is necessary for her.....but at the same time, I have this strong desire to pursue a closer relationship with God....taking classes, going on retreats, and so much more...but these are not things that "work" for Sky.  So what am I to do?  I continue to pray about this but so far I have not found any opportunities open to me....and when an impromptu situation like tonight happens,  I am reminded of what my limits are.

Most of the time, I don't give my relationship with Sky a second thought...it is natural and I love it....but once in a while, I want time for myself..not writing time, which she respects...or prayer time....but dinner with friends, a painting or photography class, a retreat, a short vacation--just me without her but knowing that she is well taken care of....I don't think that is a bad thing...I just have to have faith that if this is to be, then God will reveal to me opportunities....anyway, I hope so....and I hope that God is not disappointed in me for wanting these things....

Dear God, please give me the tools to deal with disappointment....