Changes seem to be happening at geometric proportions....I find I am frustrated and overwhelmed and then a conversation with one of my brothers and a gift of tea--extraordinary, gourmet tea--from my son, with some time spent in the quiet sipping the tea and reflecting on my conversation, and the world slows way down.....these are gifts from God--blessings that come to me through two very special people....and I am so grateful....earlier this evening I did not know how to feel about anything...now I just feel gratitude in my heart and I am embracing the moment.....a sense of peace fills my spirit and I know that God is near and it is time just to accept things as they flow and know that all will be well.

Chaos in the world brings uneasiness, but it also allows the opportunity for creativity and growth.
Tom Barrett 

This is how I feel...uneasy, chaotic....It is though I left one world behind and woke up to a new one...everything is familiar and yet, everything has changed...I recognize my environment but see it with different eyes....I recognize my face but wonder who is the person inside that face...I am in the process of fulfilling some responsibilities I chose to take on but no longer give me any sense of joy or fulfillment....I will not volunteer to do anything like them again...I am beginning to do what I want to do but then question myself as to what my motivation really is....I do not have to justify or validate my actions any more....I am making sound choices....but I am surprised at what I am doing....and I surprised at what I am not doing....and I am not surprised at what I should be doing...

LIfe is different....a widow, in charge of my own destiny and the guardian of my daughter Sky's destiny..I can choose to go down many different paths....I can be isolated or involved...I can find balance or choose not too...but I need to make choices and take action now because I do not have a lifetime to wait....I have lived two thirds of my life....1. childhood, 2. marriage, and now,3, a single parent of an adult with Down syndrome.. I am young at heart but physically mature, aging...  hopefully, there is time to finally discovering who I really am.

I realized this week that the chaos I find myself in, is manifesting many opportunities for growth and creativity....It is the freedom I have search for all my life....now I have to let go of the anxiety that comes with change and begin to enjoy the answer to my life of prayers.... 

I know that God is at the heart of everything good in my life.  It is only with Him at the center of my life will this new freedom I have gained have any real meaning or joy....and so I meditate and I pray and I hold onto my faith and feel sincere gratitude in my heart...

tonight I pray this prayer from the Book of Common Prayer, with one difference.  I have changed all inclusive pronouns to the personal:

Almighty and eternal God, so draw my heart to thee, so
guide my mind, so fill my imagination, so control my
will, that I may be wholly thine, utterly dedicated unto
thee; and then use me, I pray thee, as thou wilt, and always
to thy glory and the welfare of thy people; through our Lord

and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” 
― Albert Einstein

The last two weeks have been about change---change in my perception of things, change in my behavior, trying to initiate positive change in my life....my world hasn't turned upside down but it has been shaken up.  The first thing I noticed is that I have spent a lot of time just thinking.....and then when I realized that I was only thinking I would take care of what it was I was milling over in my brain...and be obsessed by it until it was done...I am not being effective,  I am not embracing new perceptions, I am only reacting to change and be un-nerved by it..  I could be enjoying the positive in my life but the old habits are like friends who I am pushing out of my life...with these "friends" my life although not healthy or good was predictable and I cling to that security....I can not live in two worlds...to do the best for me, i have to give up the old securities.  I have to have faith in God and myself and leave the old security of what was behind.  I did not realize how hard this would be.

I have to change the atmosphere of my home...this is my biggest demon... I thought for a time that just picking up and moving was the answer but I realize now that was just running away.  I wanted perfection that I perceived would be anywhere but here...I was wrong.  first of all there is no perfection except in the love of God and secondly, I can have it all, if I would conquer my dragons here.  "Having it all"  means a healthy, loving environment and financial security--not one or the other.  I did not have the faith in myself or God to know that staying put would inevitably be the source of my greatest freedom.  Logically i know now this is right.  Emotionally I am torn.  .

Home is where the heart is...my heart has been absent for a long time....I made a commitment to make this house my home years ago.  iI was an answer to prayer in a time that any answer would have been a miracle.  but life and hard times got in the way, and I blamed the house for it's lack of perfection and all the dreams I had were worn away...today I have to learn to love this house all over again and find new dreams to make it the home I always wanted.

I started with my daughter Sky.  She has down syndrome and she can not imagine any home but this one.  her bed was old and broken.  Friday I ordered her a new bed.  It is the bed she always wanted but better--a captains bed with two drawers of storage under neath and a bookcase headboard. This bed is
perfect for her and for her room.  She got excited and then talked to me about the curtains and blinds she wanted and the color of her woodwork-sky blue.  i could see in her eyes that she loved her room and now she would love it even more.  I wanted that enthusiasm and faith.  She "knows" that her room is becoming just what she always wanted.. Sky lives in the moment.  Most of her memories of the past are good times she wants to repeat...her future is one holiday to the the nest...she does not have "baggage."

I have to find her balance in my life.  I have to look at this house with new eyes.  I have to embrace change--good change--and I have to let the old of my life disappear into the past...I can not do this by taking on a challenge of another house....I have to do this by living here, where I am, and slaying my dragons one room at a time....and by accepting and loving the place where I find myself now....and I have to let God be in charge, guiding me every step of the way.

today I prepare for my guests tomorrow...it is a labor of love....

“Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there's love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong.”
Ella Jane Fitzgerald (1917-1996); Jazz Vocalist

May God bless this endeavor and show me the way of sincere hospitality......

Hospitality

I am back from my retreat--actually I have been home for several days....so far I have not been able to put the experience into words...I have tried but nothing I write seems to give it justice.....but I can write about one thing....the self assessment test.  I had to face what I already knew which was the fact that I do not have very many close relationships outside my family and work...everyone needs friends...close friends... and for the first time in my life I have the freedom to make friends and build relationships
....but I haven't a clue how to go about doing this.... as far as problems go, I have minimized this challenge thinking I could fix it at any time....the truth be known, this idea of making new friends and building relationships scares me....

Long story short---after we took the test and then wrote out an exercise in who we are and what we want and more...it became obvious this was something that needed to be dealt with now... so day after tomorrow I will have company--I have invited those who were with me on the retreat to come to my house for coffee... I can't believe I did that....my house is in various stages of renovation and downsizing and I have never had friends over for coffee---NEVER....associations outside of work and family and even church were discouraged in my marriage..so for the last 20plus years, I have not been a hostess in any sense of the word.  the last two days after work I came home and was paralyzed, unable to think or do anything that might enhance the experience...I couldn't dust or vacuum or mop or even put stuff away.  I could not see anyway that I could make this a place where anyone would feel welcome, much less want to come back....I just wanted to get on the phone and cancel it all.....but then I remembered what one of my new friends told me at the retreat....."Friends come to your home to see you and not your house"..... I also remember that one of the dreams I wrote down for myself was the idea that I could become known for my hospitality....

Today I began doing general cleaning in spite of my fear and then took the time to look up the word hospitality....this is what is said:
generous and friendly treatment of visitors and guests 
My focus was wrong.....
Suddenly everything changed....we were on a retreat together and all that time we spent talking and sharing and getting close and praying and worshipping God could not be squelched even by how I perceive my house....I love these women and they are taking the time to come and see me in spite of where I live...the very least I can do is relax....and allow the fact that along with being anxious I am excited to spend even more time with them....it' is really going to be okay....no, it is actually going to be more that okay, it is going to be good.

Thank you God for helping me come to my senses!  Now I think I can vacuum the carpet and mop the kitchen floor without the old baggage....I want my life to heal and it may as well begin now with my new friends!

***********************************************************

Hebrews 13:2
2 Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have entertained angels without knowing it.

***********************************************************

“In Ireland, you go to someone's house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you're really just fine. She asks if you're sure. You say of course you're sure, really, you don't need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don't need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn't mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it's no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting. 

In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don't get any damned tea.

I liked the Irish way better.” 
― C.E. Murphy, Urban Shaman

tomorrow I leave for my retreat...it is a short one but I am looking forward to it....I haven't thought much about writing because I think I need to get myself into the mode of listening and being quiet and letting go.....will post again after the retreat....pray for me

A good friend sent this to me today:

Hi Pauletta. I read your blog, and thought of this scripture from 2nd Timothy:
This saying is reliable:
“If we have died together, we will also live together.
If we endure, we will also rule together.
If we deny him, he will also deny us.
If we are disloyal, he stays faithful”
    because he can’t be anything else than what he is.

Another good friend suggested I read Luke 12.....

I am grateful for both of these messages and that they came from inspired writers in the Bible....human as me, they were given truth to share and I accept that truth....they were forgiven, so am I.  We all have to try are best but when we fall, we get up, ask for forgiveness and try again..

It is a new day for me....thank you God.