The importance of listening

My inner self wants to talk or write all the time but some reason my heart is encouraging me to just listen....and for the past few days that is what I am doing...really listening....I went to Mass this morning in a different church with a different priest and except for one woman that I know, a group of strangers...what I found after listening and paying attention is that through Christ and with Christ, there are no strangers and we are all on the same journey to get closer and closer to God...each journey uniquely our own but the destination is the same....sometimes we hold each others hands and talk, sometimes we just sit back and listen, but both experiences are important and keep us going forward into the right direction...

There are many roads to God....I just climbed out of a thick, huge bog on mine...unsure now of anything because my steps don't take as much effort as before but have not fully recovered from the sheer exhaustion that has not left me...I hesitate and ask God to help me on my way...He has experiences like today show up to encourage me and to let me know, for the moment, rest, listen, and then continue....I am and I will...


 

No one is immune from evil

No matter what your state, your circumstances, you are never immune from the sickness and evilness that humanity is capable of creating....  I haven't been a widow for a month and already ugliness is trying to make it's way into my life....subtle but there none the less.... now more than even I must be smart, be strong, and hang unto God....  it is the only way to conquer the darkness that can slither into our lives...I wasn't ready.  I had been warned of what could happen but I didn't listen because I thought I was immune....big mistake... but I only answered a door in innocence and now I can slam that door shut....I want to live in a world filled with good intentions but unfortunately I live in the same world as everyone else ...Lot's of good people but some who are bad....

God grant me the wisdom to know who is all right to let into my life....

questioning?

For the last couple of days I have been wondering if I should even attempt to write anything....I am still trying to discover what normal is...my life only has a resemblance of what one would describe as routine....emotionally I don't really know where I am...some days I am proactive, trying to take charge of my existence and other days I am so tired, I only manage to be reactive...My mind seems to be racing all the time and yet there are precious moments of calm and quiet...  on Thursday, my husband will have been dead for four weeks, a month....maybe I want things too fast...

I went to Mass tonight...best decision I made today....wanting God at the center of my life is the only thing I am sure of....I believe if I continue to make this happen then all will be well....I just have to continue to hold only my faith and keep on trusting...

Time To STOP!

I got up this morning with the intent of going to Mass and then coming home to work to cross more and more off the list that has become my life.  But from the moment my feet hit the floor everything seemed out of sync....  My brain seemed unable to function as I found myself not able to make the simplest of decisions.  I tried to make myself coffee and instead made a mess of the kitchen with coffee grounds all over the floor...I couldn't figure out what to wear to church and waking up my daughter Sky and then making sure that both of us got dressed to go became an insurmountable obstacle.. I froze  and my brain just seemed to be yelling stop, stop, STOP!  I sat in a chair and did nothing, feeling guilty and unable to move....

Then my brain began to race...."buy new tires today or you will have a wreck tomorrow."  "God is going to punish you for not going to church".  "Everything is still in a mess why are you doing more"..."Paulletta, who in the hell do you think you are?" "Sky's teeth, work it all out now, fix Sky's teeth"  "You just fumble through life and it is an accident that you are working things out." "Why haven't you talked to the benefits person again?" "Paulletta, if you do things too fast you will screw everything up."  "Paulletta, hurry up. You are doing things too slow."  "Do you opt for Jon's pension now or next year?"  "What about the state taxes, how are you going to take care of that?  "Where is the car title?"  "Why haven't you met your friend for lunch?"  "Is Sky getting enough attention?"  and the words kept coming on and on and on..... and the noise got louder and louder and louder in my head and felt like I was watching a train wreck unfold but it was my life and then finally, I could not take any more...

STOP! STOP! STOP!  GO AWAY  I AM DOING THE BEST I KNOW HOW THE BEST WAY I CAN WITHIN THE TIME CONSTRAINTS!  I AM ONLY ONE PERSON AND I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH AND I HAVE REACHED MY LIMIT SO STOP!  I NEED QUIET SO LEAVE ME
ALONE!  LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

and suddenly all was quiet.....  I had gotten up at 615 and it was now almost 8...  I felt awful.... I grabbed some jeans and took a bath....a long, hot bath.... all I could think was "now what?'

It's Sunday.  This is supposed to be a day of rest....I haven't had a day or rest since my husband died....  I haven't stopped moving--not even in my sleep.... I am in overload...

Before all of this happened, to say that my life was a challenge would be an understatement---but I survived  because everyday I set time aside to just be quiet in the presence of God....my life has completely flip flopped and everything is different...old challenges now have to be dealt with differently...I am learning how to deal with the new challenges and it feels like that every time I face one challenge a new one steps in to take it's place ...  my life is full of new wonderful positive experiences but I am also uncovering not so wonderful  secrets of the past.   I pray constantly throughout the day and I know that God is with me BUT

I am not setting aside time to just be quiet and embrace the presence of God.... no wonder I am in overload...

God needs to be at the top of all my lists....

I am taking a deep breath now...I am going to pray....all it quiet and I made it just in time to be with God...

For Guidance

O God, by whom the meek are guided in judgment, and light rises up in darkness for the godly: Grant us, in all our doubts and uncertainties, the grace to ask what you would have us to do, that the Spirit of wisdom may save us from all false choices, and that in your light we may see light, and in your straight path may not stumble; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

LIfe goes on....differently

Back to work this week--trying to take care of financial challenges one day at a time...trying to adjust to the profound changes which are occurring in my life....hoping work will help me re-establish some routine while I discover what will become my new normal...

My spiritual journey has brought me to a place where what I feel is intense gratitude....gratitude to God for my life, gratitude that one day at a time I seem to move forward if only by inches, gratitude for all who have and continue to touch my life in very positive ways....gratitude for the basic necessities, gratitude for the hope I see for the future...

Alongside the challenges and frustration and sadness and pain, God has given me peace----which seems like a contradiction in terms when I look what was left to me to resolve.... but some how I know that if I hold onto my faith and trust God, all will be well.... and again, I feel grateful.

"Glory to God whose power, working in us, can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine:  Glory to him from generation to generation in the church, and in Christ Jesus for ever and ever,"
                                                                         Ephesians 3:21.21

God is always there but especially when you need him......

this evening I had time to reflect over what has transpired in just two weeks....for me it feels like a lifetime....one challenge after another after another.....just when I would think that I couldn't take any more then the right person or the right information or the right door would would be there for me to lessen the load and give me respite....the same thing happened when my sister died suddenly several years ago and I found myself able to do things I never imagined I could do...  and I know that it was God who directed the answers that I needed to move forward...

Gratefully I can sleep at night but I am so overwhelmed by what I have done and still need to do, that I am very. very tired,,,  emotionally spent/.... today I was reminded that I need to slow down, that I have done about all I can do and that it is okay to allow some normalcy back into my life..... what is "normal?"  If it was what it was before, I really don't want normal....if it is what it could have been, I would like to know what  that feels like.... but I am thinking that maybe the slate is being washed clean and God has allowed me the chance to be happy if I will just hang in there and let Him work through me...

It is peaceful in the house...and my mind isn't racing any more... and I am trying to take one day at a time....I think God wants us to live in the present moment and have faith and not worry about the future...tonight I will let go and go back to the silence and just be quiet and be in the presence of God...and tomorrow I will try to take some time just for myself...