“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
I have been thinking a lot about trust lately.....you tell someone you are going to do something and then it doesn't get done you have broken their trust.... two promises I made to God....I would go to Mass every Sunday @ 8am and Monday @ 6pm.....and I would write on this blog everyday.... I do both things most of the time but sometimes life gets in the way..... I really believe now I should have promised God that I would write and go to Mass most of the time or as much as was possible or anything but perfection....I am human and as good as my intentions are sometimes I screw up---doesn't matter if the reasons were viable....I made a promise that I should have know that I could not keep
perfectly....and I feel bad....I want God to trust me....I did not intend to lie or break my promise.
I promised the court when they gave me the honor of being Sky's legal guardian that I would do the best for her....most of the time I do...but sometimes I get busy and she gets to bed late....or we eat fast food...or I let one morning slide by without her brushing her teeth....I know I am a good guardian and a good mother...but I am far from perfect...have I broken my promise? Can the court trust me? Can Sky?
I have worked for the past five years trying to settle my sister's estate.....it is only now that I can see the end....I don't know if I have done everything right or wrong....I want her to know that her trust in me was valid and I have tried my best...could have someone else taken care of it better than me? Did I let her down?
My husband was a functioning alcoholic....was I partly responsible for his death? Is it okay that on one hand I feel a sense of relief? At he end, he had lost trust in just about everything except whiskey--that seemed to be the only thing he could rely on and then it killed him.
Trust...trust...trust....when is it okay to trust? Is it enough that I do my best so that I can earn trust? I feel like I am trustworthy and yet I know there have been times when others have lost their trust in me....is it my fault? is it theirs?
I say I trust in God and yet I find myself doing things in lieu of Him.
I feel so vulnerable today...I want absolutes and all I have is faith....and for some reason, I am even questioning that? Can I trust myself to be true at least to God? Does God trust me?
I don't have all the answers---sometimes I seem to not have any answers....all I have today is questions...and they are wearing me out...so in spite of everything I choose this:
I believe in God. I trust God. I trust that God understands me even when I don't understand myself....I choose to have faith in God because anything else would not make sense....tonight I am giving all these questions of trust to God with the belief that whether I can resolve the issues or not, God can. I will continue to love God, have faith in Him, and try very hard to be the person He wants me to be....and then I will accept my imperfection and His forgiveness.....and work on being trustworthy....