Sunday, July 14, 2013

synchronicitya situation in which two or more things happen at the same time and seem to be connected
even if they are not

Whenever synchronicity happens in my life, I take it very seriously.  It happened today and here I am writing on my blog for the first time in over a year.

I had thought about writing; even talked about it, but dismissed the urge every time I was about to gather my thoughts on the computer.  After my husband died, I had too much to do to be creative.
This last year was spent roofing the house, paying off the bankruptcy, getting legal guardianship for my daughter Sky, working on settling my sister's estate, and more.  I worked full time teaching preschool and I accomplished all this after work and on weekends when I wasn't doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning.  My life had drastically changed and I am still in the process of figuring out what all that entails--physically, emotionally, mentally, and most important of all, spiritually.

This blog THE WOODEN MONK was to be an account of my spiritual journey....I wrote almost everyday for a long time, but my husband felt threatened by all I had written.  He felt so threatened in fact, I deleted all of it at one point just to keep peace in my home.  Then later, I tried again being very careful of what was written but that really didn't work either.  I have to be honest and authentic...when I write that is the only way I know to be.  I can't write about my spiritual journey and about my relationship with God, while trying to second guess what others might think.  In the back of my mind, I knew that when the time was right, I would know and then I would start writing again.  It appears that today if the right time.

This past year has been a challenging one for me, and it affected my relationship with God.  At first, I was grateful for the security of the church and the kindness and compassion of the community there. but somewhere along the way my emotional state became overloaded and all I wanted to do was shut down.  That included the special time I spent most everyday in meditation and in spiritual writing, and my attendance at Mass.  Except for work and taking care of what Sky needed, I didn't want to do anything.  I didn't want to feel anything.  All I wanted to do was sit and do nothing and for the first time in my life that is exactly what I did.  The church, God, my family, what few friends I have did not desert me.  Just the opposite happened.  I really did not want to have anything to do with anyone and especially God.

On top of that, I had spent my whole life looking for what God wanted me to do with my life--my "calling."  I downplayed the fact that I had raised four kids and tried to be the best mother I could allowing my children to embrace their lives with possibilities.  I also downplayed the fact that I tried to be the best preschool teacher I could be.  I couldn't accept the fact that both of these things were an important part of what God wanted me to do.  With everything else I was going through, I really got mad at God because he hadn't given me a clear picture of my calling.  My name is Paulletta which is french for the feminine form of Little Paul--little Paulie or Paula.  So I guess like the saint, I was waiting for my personal "Damascus" experience and God had not provided me with one. My thoughts went something like this:  God, all I have done with my life is be a wife and mother and teacher.  Now I am old, a widow with a special needs child and you still haven't let me know what my calling is.   I have tried or looked into everything I could that had to do with being of service to you.
Nothing fits.  Why?  What is the hell is it that I am supposed to do?"

This conversation went on for months.  The still small voice inside of me said, "Write."  I ignored it.
Writing is a lonely business and it doesn't light candles,  pray for the people,  wear vestments, or  attend the alter.  My mentors said, "Write."  I didn't listen because I knew something else, something really "special" was waiting for me.   Eventually,  that part of me, that person inside my heart said "Write."
but my brain could counter the sound with every excuse from "you are not good enough" to "you won't ever make the commitment. "

So for the most part I avoided the legal pad and pen and the writing programs on my computers.  I was satisfied to writing little tidbits on Facebook and in emails, waiting impatiently for God to give me a sign (or resign myself that there wasn't anything special I was supposed to do.)  Talk about an ego trip.
I had a serious problem.

God had given me the gift of four absolutely amazing children to nurture.  He had also given me a real knack for not only teaching three year olds but loving every minute of it. And most importantly, he had given me the ability to write with a lifetime of experiences, challenges, and his steadfastness to communicate.  I can't believe I had ignored my "calling."

Today I went to Mass because it was the first Sunday with our new rector.  I was tired of fighting my desire to be mad at God instead of embracing His love.  I was ashamed of myself for the months of isolation because I really missed church and all the people that make it real.  I had decided to make an appointment with this new rector, lay my cards on the table, and ask him what to do.  At church is where I experienced synchronicity.

During Mass I was overwhelmed by the experience of just being there.  All the words so familiar helped me remember why I had become a member of this church in the first place and that it is an privilege not to be taken lightly.  I was welcomed with open hearts and smiles and several people made it a point to talk to me about things I had written in the past that had a positive effect on their lives.  I was even asked specifically about this blog.  Before I left the building I knew what I was called to do--

So today, I intend to carry out my vocation.  I am a mother, teacher, and with God's help a writer and this blog is where I begin.   Pray for me as I finally carry out God's will for my life.

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