Time To STOP!

I got up this morning with the intent of going to Mass and then coming home to work to cross more and more off the list that has become my life.  But from the moment my feet hit the floor everything seemed out of sync....  My brain seemed unable to function as I found myself not able to make the simplest of decisions.  I tried to make myself coffee and instead made a mess of the kitchen with coffee grounds all over the floor...I couldn't figure out what to wear to church and waking up my daughter Sky and then making sure that both of us got dressed to go became an insurmountable obstacle.. I froze  and my brain just seemed to be yelling stop, stop, STOP!  I sat in a chair and did nothing, feeling guilty and unable to move....

Then my brain began to race...."buy new tires today or you will have a wreck tomorrow."  "God is going to punish you for not going to church".  "Everything is still in a mess why are you doing more"..."Paulletta, who in the hell do you think you are?" "Sky's teeth, work it all out now, fix Sky's teeth"  "You just fumble through life and it is an accident that you are working things out." "Why haven't you talked to the benefits person again?" "Paulletta, if you do things too fast you will screw everything up."  "Paulletta, hurry up. You are doing things too slow."  "Do you opt for Jon's pension now or next year?"  "What about the state taxes, how are you going to take care of that?  "Where is the car title?"  "Why haven't you met your friend for lunch?"  "Is Sky getting enough attention?"  and the words kept coming on and on and on..... and the noise got louder and louder and louder in my head and felt like I was watching a train wreck unfold but it was my life and then finally, I could not take any more...

STOP! STOP! STOP!  GO AWAY  I AM DOING THE BEST I KNOW HOW THE BEST WAY I CAN WITHIN THE TIME CONSTRAINTS!  I AM ONLY ONE PERSON AND I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH AND I HAVE REACHED MY LIMIT SO STOP!  I NEED QUIET SO LEAVE ME
ALONE!  LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

and suddenly all was quiet.....  I had gotten up at 615 and it was now almost 8...  I felt awful.... I grabbed some jeans and took a bath....a long, hot bath.... all I could think was "now what?'

It's Sunday.  This is supposed to be a day of rest....I haven't had a day or rest since my husband died....  I haven't stopped moving--not even in my sleep.... I am in overload...

Before all of this happened, to say that my life was a challenge would be an understatement---but I survived  because everyday I set time aside to just be quiet in the presence of God....my life has completely flip flopped and everything is different...old challenges now have to be dealt with differently...I am learning how to deal with the new challenges and it feels like that every time I face one challenge a new one steps in to take it's place ...  my life is full of new wonderful positive experiences but I am also uncovering not so wonderful  secrets of the past.   I pray constantly throughout the day and I know that God is with me BUT

I am not setting aside time to just be quiet and embrace the presence of God.... no wonder I am in overload...

God needs to be at the top of all my lists....

I am taking a deep breath now...I am going to pray....all it quiet and I made it just in time to be with God...

For Guidance

O God, by whom the meek are guided in judgment, and light rises up in darkness for the godly: Grant us, in all our doubts and uncertainties, the grace to ask what you would have us to do, that the Spirit of wisdom may save us from all false choices, and that in your light we may see light, and in your straight path may not stumble; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.