“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein
The last two weeks have been about change---change in my perception of things, change in my behavior, trying to initiate positive change in my life....my world hasn't turned upside down but it has been shaken up. The first thing I noticed is that I have spent a lot of time just thinking.....and then when I realized that I was only thinking I would take care of what it was I was milling over in my brain...and be obsessed by it until it was done...I am not being effective, I am not embracing new perceptions, I am only reacting to change and be un-nerved by it.. I could be enjoying the positive in my life but the old habits are like friends who I am pushing out of my life...with these "friends" my life although not healthy or good was predictable and I cling to that security....I can not live in two worlds...to do the best for me, i have to give up the old securities. I have to have faith in God and myself and leave the old security of what was behind. I did not realize how hard this would be.
I have to change the atmosphere of my home...this is my biggest demon... I thought for a time that just picking up and moving was the answer but I realize now that was just running away. I wanted perfection that I perceived would be anywhere but here...I was wrong. first of all there is no perfection except in the love of God and secondly, I can have it all, if I would conquer my dragons here. "Having it all" means a healthy, loving environment and financial security--not one or the other. I did not have the faith in myself or God to know that staying put would inevitably be the source of my greatest freedom. Logically i know now this is right. Emotionally I am torn. .
Home is where the heart is...my heart has been absent for a long time....I made a commitment to make this house my home years ago. iI was an answer to prayer in a time that any answer would have been a miracle. but life and hard times got in the way, and I blamed the house for it's lack of perfection and all the dreams I had were worn away...today I have to learn to love this house all over again and find new dreams to make it the home I always wanted.
I started with my daughter Sky. She has down syndrome and she can not imagine any home but this one. her bed was old and broken. Friday I ordered her a new bed. It is the bed she always wanted but better--a captains bed with two drawers of storage under neath and a bookcase headboard. This bed is
perfect for her and for her room. She got excited and then talked to me about the curtains and blinds she wanted and the color of her woodwork-sky blue. i could see in her eyes that she loved her room and now she would love it even more. I wanted that enthusiasm and faith. She "knows" that her room is becoming just what she always wanted.. Sky lives in the moment. Most of her memories of the past are good times she wants to repeat...her future is one holiday to the the nest...she does not have "baggage."
I have to find her balance in my life. I have to look at this house with new eyes. I have to embrace change--good change--and I have to let the old of my life disappear into the past...I can not do this by taking on a challenge of another house....I have to do this by living here, where I am, and slaying my dragons one room at a time....and by accepting and loving the place where I find myself now....and I have to let God be in charge, guiding me every step of the way.