Chaos in the world brings uneasiness, but it also allows the opportunity for creativity and growth.
This is how I feel...uneasy, chaotic....It is though I left one world behind and woke up to a new one...everything is familiar and yet, everything has changed...I recognize my environment but see it with different eyes....I recognize my face but wonder who is the person inside that face...I am in the process of fulfilling some responsibilities I chose to take on but no longer give me any sense of joy or fulfillment....I will not volunteer to do anything like them again...I am beginning to do what I want to do but then question myself as to what my motivation really is....I do not have to justify or validate my actions any more....I am making sound choices....but I am surprised at what I am doing....and I surprised at what I am not doing....and I am not surprised at what I should be doing...
LIfe is different....a widow, in charge of my own destiny and the guardian of my daughter Sky's destiny..I can choose to go down many different paths....I can be isolated or involved...I can find balance or choose not too...but I need to make choices and take action now because I do not have a lifetime to wait....I have lived two thirds of my life....1. childhood, 2. marriage, and now,3, a single parent of an adult with Down syndrome.. I am young at heart but physically mature, aging... hopefully, there is time to finally discovering who I really am.
I realized this week that the chaos I find myself in, is manifesting many opportunities for growth and creativity....It is the freedom I have search for all my life....now I have to let go of the anxiety that comes with change and begin to enjoy the answer to my life of prayers....
I know that God is at the heart of everything good in my life. It is only with Him at the center of my life will this new freedom I have gained have any real meaning or joy....and so I meditate and I pray and I hold onto my faith and feel sincere gratitude in my heart...
tonight I pray this prayer from the Book of Common Prayer, with one difference. I have changed all inclusive pronouns to the personal:
Almighty and eternal God, so draw my heart to thee, so
guide my mind, so fill my imagination, so control my
will, that I may be wholly thine, utterly dedicated unto
thee; and then use me, I pray thee, as thou wilt, and always
to thy glory and the welfare of thy people; through our Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.