This was a long day...Mom has to stay in the hospital another day and Sky got sick at work....Liesl had to go to the doctor for her arm that hurts.....good day at school, tomorrow last day of the summer session,,,realized that a lot of these kids I won't see again.....a little sad but it is good that they are growing up...just some laundry and supper and now going to bed....sometimes the best laid plans don't happen.....but that's okay....just a part of life.

very very small step

one third of the dining room table is clear and the dishes are washed..... will take out the trash when I get Annie and then it is time for a shower and bed....better than doing nothing at all...the goal tomorrow is to accomplish twice as much--so the last two thirds of the dining room table and it will be clear, right?

good intentions but I need commitment

I started out okay. I had a plan...then life happened in a big way and I am definitely sidetracked....granted no one "plans" for their mother to be ill and making sure she gets healthy again is a priority.....but when I get sidetracked everything else except work, stops....and this week being the last of the summer session has its own stress because the classrooms have to be emptied and everything moved so the floors can be stripped and then waxed..so instead of doing what I need to do for my mother and for work and what I can at home, I do for my mother and my job and zone out at home....the dining room table is still covered...the laundry is piling up...and I have done nothing to simplify and de-clutter since I conquered the clothes closet.....but I have to admit with pride that the closet is still straight and what clothes have been washed are put away and in this area I have not lost ground.  also I at least open my laptop and write a word or two.....

I have an hour before I go to bed, maybe I could at least start on the dining room table...anything dealt with tonight will be one thing less that I have to face tomorrow..  it isn't necessarily simple to simplify but deep down inside, I know that it will be worth it

one more day off target

spent morning at church, afternoon with my mother at the hospital, evening taking acre of her dog and mine, dinner and laundry... maybe tomorrow I will take another baby step towards simplifying my life....

The best laid plans...

My mother called me this morning...she didn't sound okay so I went to her house to check on her....we went to the emergency room and she was admitted to the hospital....my plans are on hold for now.....it is 1030pm and I have been home for only an hour....time for shower and bed....tomorrow is another day...

Taking baby steps towards de-cluttering my life

Had a good day at work today...the humidity was low so we spent a lot of time outside because today was only a respite from the heat and humidity which will return tomorrow....I love my job teaching preschool but by the end of the day and the end of the week I am tired.....so after I picked up Sky from work, ran her to the bank, had supper, drove her to pottery class, ran an errand  and came home, it was after seven pm.  What is something that I can do in the next hour and a half to begin to declutter my life.  I have to pick up Sky at nine and bring her home.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
 I did some laundry last night so that Sky and I would have clean clothes for today...I also searched the internet and found this:
http://zenhabits.net/declutter-guide/

The Quickstart Guide to a Decluttered Home....I not only read it, I identified with it....I printed a hard copy of it so I could refer to it as often as I needed to.

Today, after I took Sky to work, I shopped for an hour and found what I needed to complete my wardrobe and maximize the ways I could use what I have....when I came home I was excited because the few things I bought really worked....as I tried on my clothes and mixed and matched to make many outfits, I realized that I had many clothes in my closer that were the wrong size, or I don't wear anymore or just don't like.....that is where the decluttering came in...I was already in my closet so I got a bag and a small box and went to work....I came home with four tops and now I will take a full trash bag and a box to the thrift store this afternoon.....and my closet looks fabulous, organized and cleaned with clothes I really love.....this only took an hour!  and I feel great.....I traded 3 cool shirts for two dozen items of clothing....this ended up not being work but an "adventure" in fashion!

Now to clean off my dining room table....it is piled with stuff and I haven't seen it in ages....I have a new table cloth ready to dress it up if I can get rid of the mess...and somewhere in all that mess is what I need to license my car...this is a decluttering of the necessary kind....important papers are lost on my dining room table.   Wonder if I can make this an "adventure" too?

My Commitment to Writing and Creating a home

July 24, 2014 12:05 am

time to start writing again....if my house is a reflection of my soul then I need to de-clutter (big time)
if my house is a reflection of my mood, then I am depressed,  if my house is a reflection of my heart then at least here i don't care very much.   Outside of this place which I call home, life is going well...my job, my relationships with other people, the place where I practice my faith are all positive, moving forward experiences....but my "home" is not anything except a place where I sleep and where you will find me when I am not at work or at church....it is time for me to start writing again...through writing and having conversations with myself and anyone who wishes to read my musings i will find a way to create a home...my home...and a home to all who decide to come through my back door....at this moment, this house is not home and it is going to take a great deal of work to find it.

the answers to what I need to do are inside of me...writing helps me make these solutions tangible and me accountable....writing makes everything "real"....

so I am making a commitment to write a few paragraphs everyday on this blog on what I am doing to create a home....I have no idea what will happen, what I will or will not do,  I am just taking a step forward by accepting the fact I have a real issue in my life and this issue needs addressed.

Changes seem to be happening at geometric proportions....I find I am frustrated and overwhelmed and then a conversation with one of my brothers and a gift of tea--extraordinary, gourmet tea--from my son, with some time spent in the quiet sipping the tea and reflecting on my conversation, and the world slows way down.....these are gifts from God--blessings that come to me through two very special people....and I am so grateful....earlier this evening I did not know how to feel about anything...now I just feel gratitude in my heart and I am embracing the moment.....a sense of peace fills my spirit and I know that God is near and it is time just to accept things as they flow and know that all will be well.

Chaos in the world brings uneasiness, but it also allows the opportunity for creativity and growth.
Tom Barrett 

This is how I feel...uneasy, chaotic....It is though I left one world behind and woke up to a new one...everything is familiar and yet, everything has changed...I recognize my environment but see it with different eyes....I recognize my face but wonder who is the person inside that face...I am in the process of fulfilling some responsibilities I chose to take on but no longer give me any sense of joy or fulfillment....I will not volunteer to do anything like them again...I am beginning to do what I want to do but then question myself as to what my motivation really is....I do not have to justify or validate my actions any more....I am making sound choices....but I am surprised at what I am doing....and I surprised at what I am not doing....and I am not surprised at what I should be doing...

LIfe is different....a widow, in charge of my own destiny and the guardian of my daughter Sky's destiny..I can choose to go down many different paths....I can be isolated or involved...I can find balance or choose not too...but I need to make choices and take action now because I do not have a lifetime to wait....I have lived two thirds of my life....1. childhood, 2. marriage, and now,3, a single parent of an adult with Down syndrome.. I am young at heart but physically mature, aging...  hopefully, there is time to finally discovering who I really am.

I realized this week that the chaos I find myself in, is manifesting many opportunities for growth and creativity....It is the freedom I have search for all my life....now I have to let go of the anxiety that comes with change and begin to enjoy the answer to my life of prayers.... 

I know that God is at the heart of everything good in my life.  It is only with Him at the center of my life will this new freedom I have gained have any real meaning or joy....and so I meditate and I pray and I hold onto my faith and feel sincere gratitude in my heart...

tonight I pray this prayer from the Book of Common Prayer, with one difference.  I have changed all inclusive pronouns to the personal:

Almighty and eternal God, so draw my heart to thee, so
guide my mind, so fill my imagination, so control my
will, that I may be wholly thine, utterly dedicated unto
thee; and then use me, I pray thee, as thou wilt, and always
to thy glory and the welfare of thy people; through our Lord

and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” 
― Albert Einstein

The last two weeks have been about change---change in my perception of things, change in my behavior, trying to initiate positive change in my life....my world hasn't turned upside down but it has been shaken up.  The first thing I noticed is that I have spent a lot of time just thinking.....and then when I realized that I was only thinking I would take care of what it was I was milling over in my brain...and be obsessed by it until it was done...I am not being effective,  I am not embracing new perceptions, I am only reacting to change and be un-nerved by it..  I could be enjoying the positive in my life but the old habits are like friends who I am pushing out of my life...with these "friends" my life although not healthy or good was predictable and I cling to that security....I can not live in two worlds...to do the best for me, i have to give up the old securities.  I have to have faith in God and myself and leave the old security of what was behind.  I did not realize how hard this would be.

I have to change the atmosphere of my home...this is my biggest demon... I thought for a time that just picking up and moving was the answer but I realize now that was just running away.  I wanted perfection that I perceived would be anywhere but here...I was wrong.  first of all there is no perfection except in the love of God and secondly, I can have it all, if I would conquer my dragons here.  "Having it all"  means a healthy, loving environment and financial security--not one or the other.  I did not have the faith in myself or God to know that staying put would inevitably be the source of my greatest freedom.  Logically i know now this is right.  Emotionally I am torn.  .

Home is where the heart is...my heart has been absent for a long time....I made a commitment to make this house my home years ago.  iI was an answer to prayer in a time that any answer would have been a miracle.  but life and hard times got in the way, and I blamed the house for it's lack of perfection and all the dreams I had were worn away...today I have to learn to love this house all over again and find new dreams to make it the home I always wanted.

I started with my daughter Sky.  She has down syndrome and she can not imagine any home but this one.  her bed was old and broken.  Friday I ordered her a new bed.  It is the bed she always wanted but better--a captains bed with two drawers of storage under neath and a bookcase headboard. This bed is
perfect for her and for her room.  She got excited and then talked to me about the curtains and blinds she wanted and the color of her woodwork-sky blue.  i could see in her eyes that she loved her room and now she would love it even more.  I wanted that enthusiasm and faith.  She "knows" that her room is becoming just what she always wanted.. Sky lives in the moment.  Most of her memories of the past are good times she wants to repeat...her future is one holiday to the the nest...she does not have "baggage."

I have to find her balance in my life.  I have to look at this house with new eyes.  I have to embrace change--good change--and I have to let the old of my life disappear into the past...I can not do this by taking on a challenge of another house....I have to do this by living here, where I am, and slaying my dragons one room at a time....and by accepting and loving the place where I find myself now....and I have to let God be in charge, guiding me every step of the way.